i guess i just want someone to give enough of a shit to listen and not throw advice, just let me sort out the spoken words in the air.
i’ve done these past years pretending that nothing affects me. i’ve closed myself off from the vast majority because i don’t want them to see any of my realness. because what if they don’t give a shit ? what if i open myself up and it goes right over their heads ? there’s a million roots we could follow here, but i know the main one is that it’s just hard to fucking believe i’m worth that much.
God’s been breaking over my head lately how much He loves me, reminding me of my worth, reminding me of who i am, reminding me of His ridiculous love for me. He knows He’s the only one who can sustain me, the only one who is strong enough to support me and craft me into who i truly am, and that is just one concept i really struggle with. He waits for me, patiently, even while i’m ignoring Him and disappointing Him.
right now i feel like a silly sixteen year old for the way i feel, but i keep struggling with destructive thoughts, like //you’re not being a good house mom // youre not as good as Hector/Keila/Lulu/Perla in video, who are you kidding? // youre just copying everyone else’s dream, youre nothing original // your photos suck in comparison to Lulu’s/Hector’s/your sister’s // you have no idea how to raise kids // and damnit the voices get into me and i can’t hear anything else. today, in church, Josh said “dont be discouraged if youre not getting it all right, you need to start somewhere, youre still a diamond in the rough yet.” and thats where i am, i just feel… completely rough, zero diamond.
sometimes i feel so idiotic for struggling with my self-worth yet, and shutting down like an upset teenager; it’s like i struggle with communication and don’t know how to speak. i’m good at raw honesty but i rarely open my mouth to let it out.
these remind me of the flower garden behind my old house that i loved to play in as a little girl.
door’s wide open bro, and i’m almost daring you to leave
Theo Gosselin on Flickr.